why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
barbara walters just said penis...
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have fence marks all over my body
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
