Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
