then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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