If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
