I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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