we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Barsexuality is the new black.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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