Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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