Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
