Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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