Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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