I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The beer is more important than you right now.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
