if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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