you turned your livingroom into a bong?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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