I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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