im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize