hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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