I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize