i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
