Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
