Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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