I want you more than these girls want KFC
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
