Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
