A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize