even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
