I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
