When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
