sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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