while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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