saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
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