she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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