nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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