It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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