I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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