This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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