your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
