I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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