I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
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