the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
