my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
how does that bad decision feel?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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