Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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