does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
