I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
