i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
