I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
