In America we eat man semen.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
