so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
