I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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