I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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