Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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