I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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