You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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