DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
