Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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