he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize