If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
