I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
