If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize