Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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