he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
