Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
