I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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