12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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