And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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